Magic of Making UpIf you want a healthy, loving relationship and a super long marriage, having proper marriage communication is the key to success. You may be thinking that you have that covered because you are an excellent communicator, don’t get ahead of yourself. Many couples start out thinking they communicate beautifully only to find years later that they never really “heard” or understood one another. They had communication problems after all!

Don’t make that mistake. If there is one thing that you could learn in order to strengthen your marriage, communication with your spouse is it. Learn the following basic communication secrets and you could find yourself on the road to rocking on the front porch side-by-side with your spouse when you’re 90.

It’s Not All About You

You can’t let your ego get in the way when communicating with your spouse. Try to listen to everything they say without concern for your own needs or feelings. This means not assuming that you are to blame for all the problems they express or their unhappiness at times. This will only lead to defensiveness which interrupts the flow of communication.

For instance, consider your wife telling you that they feel lonely because you work too much. You become defensive and focus on justifying your working hours, rather than focusing on the real issue which is her lonely feelings.

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If you have learned to dismiss your own feelings and ego from the conversation you will skip the defensiveness and just find ways to make her feel less lonely. Remember, it’s not necessarily about you working long hours. It’s not always about you!

Know When to Go to Bed Angry

You have no doubt heard this piece of advice before: never go to bed angry. There is some common sense behind this because you don’t want to swallow down your emotions until you one day explode. Yet, there are some instances in which backing off a mature way is beneficial.

In a marriage, communication needs to be open and clear if it is to be successful. If you find yourself in a dispute with a clouded mind and you know you are not clearly listening to what your spouse is really saying, then it may be time to take a breather and come back to discuss the issues later on. This gives you time to sort through your emotions, focus your thinking, and then come back to genuinely listen to your spouse.

Don’t storm out of the room or slam the door and squeal your tires while shooting out of the driveway. Simply state that you need to clear your head and reorganize your thoughts and your spouse is likely to agree that they need some time to do the same.

The biggest issue between couples having marriage communication problems is that they aren’t really “hearing” one another. They hear the words coming out of their spouse’s mouths, but they don’t actually process exactly what is being said.

Go back to our earlier example. The husband listening to his wife explain how lonely she feels when he works long hours will often hear her condemning him for working those long hours. He will feel unappreciated in return, when she was never condemning him to begin with. She just wanted him to acknowledge the loneliness.

If you want a long marriage, communication skills are essential. These tips will give you a starting point to opening your mind to more solid skills in this area.