Don’t make that mistake. If there is one thing that you could learn in order to strengthen your marriage, communication with your spouse is it. Learn the following basic communication secrets and you could find yourself on the road to rocking on the front porch side-by-side with your spouse when you’re 90.

It’s Not All About You

You can’t let your ego get in the way when communicating with your spouse. Try to listen to everything they say without concern for your own needs or feelings. This means not assuming that you are to blame for all the problems they express or their unhappiness at times. This will only lead to defensiveness which interrupts the flow of communication.

For instance, consider your wife telling you that they feel lonely because you work too much. You become defensive and focus on justifying your working hours, rather than focusing on the real issue which is her lonely feelings.

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If you have learned to dismiss your own feelings and ego from the conversation you will skip the defensiveness and just find ways to make her feel less lonely. Remember, it’s not necessarily about you working long hours. It’s not always about you!

Know When to Go to Bed Angry

You have no doubt heard this piece of advice before: never go to bed angry. There is some common sense behind this because you don’t want to swallow down your emotions until you one day explode. Yet, there are some instances in which backing off a mature way is beneficial.

In a marriage, communication needs to be open and clear if it is to be successful. If you find yourself in a dispute with a clouded mind and you know you are not clearly listening to what your spouse is really saying, then it may be time to take a breather and come back to discuss the issues later on. This gives you time to sort through your emotions, focus your thinking, and then come back to genuinely listen to your spouse.

Don’t storm out of the room or slam the door and squeal your tires while shooting out of the driveway. Simply state that you need to clear your head and reorganize your thoughts and your spouse is likely to agree that they need some time to do the same.

The biggest issue between couples having marriage communication problems is that they aren’t really “hearing” one another. They hear the words coming out of their spouse’s mouths, but they don’t actually process exactly what is being said.

Go back to our earlier example. The husband listening to his wife explain how lonely she feels when he works long hours will often hear her condemning him for working those long hours. He will feel unappreciated in return, when she was never condemning him to begin with. She just wanted him to acknowledge the loneliness.

If you want a long marriage, communication skills are essential. These tips will give you a starting point to opening your mind to more solid skills in this area.

The Loveless Marriage

If a loveless marriage sounds like a horrible thing to endure, you are right in line with millions of other people who believe love and marriage naturally go together. Yet, all over the world today you can find people who are married but who don’t feel a lot of genuine love or passion for one another. They are in marriages of convenience, rather than marriages of love.

Think of the powerful business man who married a woman who would make a great mother and keep a nice home because he knew he wouldn’t be around much but wanted that family life. He may not necessarily love his wife as she would want him to, but they both get something out of the marriage.

Another example would be the woman who marries for money. She knows her much older husband doesn’t really love her, but thinks of her more as a trophy on his arm at parties. The husband knows she is only around for the payout in the end, but it works for them!

Then of course you have the loveless marriage that started out as typical loving relationship but disintegrated over time. This is the type of relationship that needs to be revived or ended because neither spouse will be happy.

Those who willingly enter a marriage without genuine feelings of love have to do so consciously and both people have to be on board. If one has feelings of love that are unrequited, unhappiness is to follow.

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Unmarried Love

Most people today know at least one couple that has been together for many years without getting married. What was once considered shameful cohabitating out of wedlock is commonplace in most American societies today. While it used to be that love led to marriage, today love could just lead to years of living together without the ring and walk down the aisle.

There are many reasons that some people who are deeply in love choose not to get married. In some instances it is a matter of convenience or business, just like those who enter loveless marriages to gain something else. For others, marriage just doesn’t have the sense of value or necessity that it had in generations past.

Terms like “baby mama” came about because of the growing number of couples having children out of wedlock. The number of long term couples who will never get married grows by the year, showing that love and marriage doesn’t always have to come together in one big happy package.

What are your thoughts on love and marriage? Do you think that the institution of marriage has lost meaning and do you want to find love and get married one day? Or, might you be one of those who get married for reasons other than love?

It is not unheard of for couples who aren’t in love to get married because they want the tax benefits that come with marriage and kids. This doesn’t happen often, but it proves that for many people love and marriage don’t always go hand in hand.

If you are in an unhappy relationship and aren’t sure whether to call it quits or hold out hope for better things to come, ask yourself the following questions. Your answers will help you determine the likelihood of this relationship ever turning around so you can find happiness.

#1: What specifically is making you unhappy? Can those issues be solved realistically?

It’s one thing to feel unhappy in a relationship, but another thing entirely to know exactly what is causing that unhappiness. Spend a bit of time writing down the issues that are making you unhappy. Don’t censor yourself even if you are being petty or mean. This is for your own analysis and no one else has to see it unless you want them to.

Once you know exactly what is leading to the unhappy relationship on your part, it’s time to ask yourself honestly if those issues could realistically be solved.

For instance, if there are things about your partners personality or behaviors that you can’t live with or that rub you the wrong way there may be no way of fixing those things. It may be time to call it quits since the issues aren’t likely to change and are deal breakers on your part.

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On the other hand, you could fix issues such as a partner who doesn’t spend enough time with you or who works too much. It is reasonable to assume those things could be worked out if you are both willing to try.

#2: Is your partner equally unhappy in the relationship?

Does your partner also consider this to be an unhappy relationship? They may be unaware of the issues making you unhappy and might have a different assessment of the relationship. Have an open conversation with them and determine if they are equally unhappy and the exact issues causing their unhappiness.

Assess their issues in the same manner you did your own. Is it reasonable to expect these problems to be solved or is there no chance of ever making them happy?

#3: Are you willing to fight to strengthen the relationship? Is your partner willing?

Finally, you have to determine whether you care enough about your partner and the relationship to fight through the problems. You have to be willing to openly listen to one another and make changes that could solve the problems leading to the unhappy relationship.

If your partner has been happy in the relationship, they still must be willing to listen to what is causing your unhappiness and make changes to fix those things. If they aren’t willing to do that then chances are the unhappy relationship may come to an end quickly.

It isn’t easy to admit that you are in an unhappy relationship and honestly answering these questions and discussing them with your partner is even harder. Yet, it is what you have to do if you want to turn the unhappy relationship into a mutually fulfilling relationship.

Stage 1: The Falling Stage

Falling in love and admiring one another in an idealistic manner is the first stage all relationships go through. It starts with a shared experience, one moment where your eyes lock together, or perhaps an uncomfortable evening on a blind date. Before you know it you find yourself enjoying the company of this other person and you can’t stop thinking about them.

They give you goose bumps when they hold your hand and make your stomach turn flip flops when they look in your eyes.

Welcome to the first of all stages of relationships. This is often called the “honeymoon” stage, hinting that it only lasts a short while…and it does!

Stage 2: The Coming Down Stage

Eventually, all relationships experience some type of conflict. Things may stay blissfully happy for a few months or maybe even a couple years if you are lucky, but eventually the natural stages of relationships progress and you find yourself butting heads over something. This is when you start to see that you have idealized one another and you start to see the human flaws.

I call this the “coming down” stage because it’s like coming down from a high and realizing things aren’t as rosy as you thought. Many couples will work out power struggles in this phase and roles will be defined.

Stage 3: The Questioning Stage

Once you come down from that high of the initial romance and start to confront the reality of who you are individually and together, there are a lot of questions that will start to surface.

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Can you live with the things you don’t like about this person? Can you be happy for a long period of time with this person? Can you be yourself in this relationship?

This is a time when you are questioning the future of the relationship and many relationships stop right here.

Stage 4: The Connecting Stage

If you answer those questions positively and decide that you want to stick with the relationship, you will enter the connecting stage. This is where you rekindle a lot of the spark that was felt in the initial stage, but now the idealism is gone and reality has set in. You are reconnecting but with a deeper understanding of who you are connecting with and your role in the relationship.

Some conflict will continue to surface during this stage and you may have moments when you still question your decision to stay in the relationship. Hopefully, no deal breakers will surface and you will graduate to the final of all stages of relationships.

Stage 5: The Comfort Stage

If you are lucky, you will eventually reach the stage of complete comfort. This is the final of all stages of relationships and it is where you have decided to stay together, that you love one another, and that you want to make a life together. You have looked the ugly side of one another in the face and come out in love regardless.

Note that you won’t always move through these stages of relationships in the same time frame that your loved one does. That’s what makes relationships so darn complicated and difficult to maneuver!

First Key: Acceptance

Some people would list communication as the first of all keys to a successful marriage, but there is a good argument for putting acceptance at the top of the list. Acceptance means that you have looked at the flaws of a person and have come to the conclusion that you love them regardless. It means you aren’t idealizing them or seeing them through rose colored glasses. You see them for who they are and accept the good with the bad.

If you don’t see and acknowledge the flaws in a person you will eventually hit a rough spot where they don’t seem like the person you fell in love with and this means trouble for the relationship.

Similarly, if you go into a marriage trying to change your spouse, your relationship will be in trouble when you realize they can’t be changed. This is why acceptance is one of the most important keys to a successful marriage.

Second Key: Communication

You should be able to tell your spouse anything without worry that they will lash out at you, belittle you, or punish you. Each of you should be able to talk freely, knowing the other person is going to listen and hear what you are saying rather than what they want you to be saying.

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Communication is one of the most important keys to a successful marriage, but it is also one of the hardest things for a couple to master. Many people think their communication skills are top notch when there are actually serious problems.

Third Key: Trust

How many times have you been in a relationship or stood by a friend in a relationship which lacked trust? It never works out in the end. If you cannot trust your partner, then step out of the relationship prior to saying “I do.” If you sense they don’t trust you, then you can guarantee it will become a breaking issue in the future.

Distrust can bring nothing but conflict and divorce!

Fourth Key: Respect

This is one of the keys to a successful marriage that you can’t live without, but which you can’t force either. You either respect one another or you don’t, but if you don’t then the relationship is probably not going to withstand the tests of time.

Respect is something very simple that will prevent a lot of common relationship problems. Lies and infidelity are harder to commit when you have genuine respect for your partner.

Fifth Key: Commitment

Finally, you have to both be 100% committed to the relationship if it is going to survive into your elderly years. If you are committed to the relationship you will do what it takes to ensure its survival and that is what it takes to make a lifetime together. The level of commitment will make the difference between calling it quits when things get hard and enduring the pain that comes with a long marriage.

There are other keys to a successful marriage that you will pick up on over time, but if you have these five things then you have a great chance of making it into old age hand in hand.

It is easy to buy into all of this reasoning, but modern day studies are finding that the reason most men cheat has nothing to do with sex or the seductive behaviors of other women. Women usually assume that it has something to do with sex or another woman looking better than them, but for most men it actually has very little to do with these things.

So, why do guys cheat then? If it’s not the secretary’s new boob job waving in his face day after day or pure lust, what is it that convinces a man to stray from the woman he loves and get involved with someone else?

According to an author of a popular book on infidelity, guys cheat because they feel a dwindling emotional connection with their wife or significant other. Gary Neuman wrote a book titled “The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do to Prevent It” in 2008. He did extensive research on 200 men to determine why they cheat, why they stay faithful, and what women can do to decrease the chances of their man cheating.

That research led to some explosive insights into this question: why do guys cheat? Neuman presented his findings in the book, but some of his insightful results were revealed through an interview with Newsweek back in 2008:

• Almost half of all men in the study who cheated did so because they were lacking an emotional connection with their spouses.
• Less than 10% of cheaters in the study contributed their actions to sexual needs.

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Further, Neuman noted that the disconnection these men felt with their significant others had a lot to do with feeling undervalued or unappreciated. While he doesn’t place blame on the women when a man cheats, he notes in his Newsweek interview that women could decrease their chances of their man cheating by showing them more appreciation.

Whether you believe Neuman is right with these insights or not, it is clear that men who cheat are getting something from their mistresses that they are not getting from their wives or significant others. It makes sense that many would cheat if they aren’t being appreciated and valued at home because men instinctively want to be the big man in the relationship. They want to feel needed, respected and appreciated.

None of this takes away from the fact that some men will cheat purely for sexual reasons. If they are not getting the sexual attention they need from the woman they love, some men will have one night stands or short term encounters with other women that do not have any emotions attached.

The problem is most women assume that all men cheat because they are sexual creators with little control, and for most men that isn’t the reason they stray.

So, why do guys cheat? The only thing we know for sure is that men cheat when the mistress fills a need that their significant other is neglecting or unable to fill.

Resolve Conflict By Giving More than Fifty Percent

Everyone will tell you that marriage is a two-way street, which means everything is split down the middle. You have to work towards the same goals and give as much effort as the other person. So if you’re in a marriage conflict right now it’s important to start making things 50/50 at the very minimum. Aim to give more than your share and you will be on your way to resolving the conflict.

If by chance your spouse is asking for a divorce, or even a separation, there is still hope. All you have to do is figure out how to overcome the obstacle and push forward. It’s important to understand that relationships are not good all the time. Sometimes it feels like a roller-coaster ride or driving through peaks and valleys in and out of the mountains. Just stay positive and do whatever it takes to make it work.

Learn to Identify “Justification”

When you’re going through a marriage conflict your partner could be feeling angry. Maybe he or she is complaining about everything, but most of them aren’t the real reasons your spouse has decided to end the relationship. Anger is an easy way to justify his or her decision. In fact, it’s almost as if he or she is building a case against you. So even though there are various reasons that continue to surface, don’t take them personally because they probably aren’t the real reason behind your marriage conflict.

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Make Changes to Other Areas of Your Life

Switching careers right now really isn’t a good idea, but starting a hobby could be a great choice. If you add in a few activities you enjoy it will allow you to find positive parts to your life that doesn’t revolve around marriage. When you take on new challenges it can make you feel good about yourself. It also allows your spouse to see a different side of you that makes you a more interesting person.

You will find that a marriage conflict can take up a lot of you and your spouse’s time. If he or she decided to divorce you or get a separation, having some time to deal with personal issues will most likely be the main goal. Just give them space and if you haven’t been dedicated in the relationship then now is a good time to start. There is always hope when a marriage conflict comes along. Do all the right things and it won’t end in divorce.

Unfortunately, it is not that simple. Divorce in general can take a significant amount of time. It is frequently both emotionally and physically tiring, and it can drain your finances severely. If kids are involved, it can be distressing to them. It is for this reason why it is frequently better to avoid divorce if there is anything about your marriage that makes it worth saving.

If the likelihood of divorce is manifested itself in your marriage, and you want to prevent it, continue reading for some valuable hints on how to turn your marriage around. Do not forget as you read these that it is your decision to change. You cannot expect or command that your partner changes first, or at all. The decision is yours, and remember, it is a win -win situation if you initiate changes, since he or she will make positive changes in reply to yours, or you will feel good about yourself no matter what and be better prepared for your next relationship if this one does result in divorce.

Tip Number One

If you really want to avoid divorce, you must stop being at odds and/or arguing with your spouse and learn how to agree or at least agree to disagree with them. Do not attempt to defend yourself or find excuses for things you have said or done that your partner does not care for. Search for the truth in your partner’s words and agree! That’s right, agree. Agreeing with an individual instead of getting defensive can be extremely disarming. They will frequently back off and be more open to a constructive talk.

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For instance, if your partner has issue that you consistently whine, it may be that there is some truth in that comment. Therefore, instead of reacting you may reply with, “You are right. I most likely appear as if I’m whining when I’m frustrated and a feel like you are not listening.” By agreeing, you may discover that your partner relaxes and sees that you are really listening, as well as taking ownership, and these things are extremely powerful if you want to avoid divorce.

Tip Number Two

If you are looking to avoid divorce, relax for a while. This will not be simple but it can work. When couples are on the verge of divorce, every conversation can become stressed and intense. Frequently one or both spouses will retreat from talking altogether because it just requires too much emotional energy. If you can, keep your conversations positive and light for some time. In addition, not speak about heavy or hot topics, and this will take significant strain off the relationship.

Tip Number Three

To avoid divorce, put in the effort and think about how your actions or words may have been adding to your marital issues. It is simple for couples in a stressed out marriage to begin blaming the other spouse for the issues in the relationship. However, the fault is never all on one individual-both of you have contributed to the issues.

Make note of your issues and share what you have found out your spouse. This might require you to swallow your pride; however, would you rather avoid divorce or continue with the problem? If your spouse sees that you are willing start taking full responsibility for your problems and mistakes, he or she might start to see you in a better light and become more open to working on the marriage. Once the doors to communication are open, you can start working through issues and fix your relationship.

These are just a few suggestions that you can do to avoid divorce, however simple they may seem, they can make an important difference. Do not wait for your spouse to make the effort-start yourself and you may be shocked at the outcome!

Before you dive headlong into stopping the divorce, though, take a look at why you want to. Where did things go wrong in your relationship? Are your motives to stop a divorce pure? Is the relationship worth salvaging? Sometimes it’s not, and you have to be honest about that.

Fix The Problems Before The Marriage Fails

If you decide that your marriage is worth trying to save and you want to prevent a marriage breakup, you can take the following steps:

Step 1 -Talk to Your Spouse – You can of course contest your divorce and therefore temporarily stall it, but a better bet is to try to communicate with your spouse. State that you want to try to stop the process of divorce and try to work things out. It may be that your spouse is not willing to do so, but you can at least discuss the possibility.

Step 2 – State Why You Think Divorce Isn’t a Good Idea – Once you know your spouse is listening, calmly, clearly and concisely state your case. Tell your spouse why you want to stop the divorce and try to work things out. State what you think needs to be done and what you’re willing to do to fix whatever is wrong with your marriage.

Step 3 – Listen – Give your spouse a chance to talk, too. Even if your spouse doesn’t want to reconcile, he or she may be able to give you some ideas that can improve your current circumstances.

Step 4 – Evaluate – After you present your case to stop a marriage breakup, and you’ve listened to your spouse, reevaluate what you think based upon what your spouse has said. You may have gotten some valuable information about what you can do to fix the situation. If so, though, are you willing to do what your spouse wants?

If your spouse still wants to move forward with the divorce or has gone on to another relationship, or if there has been a history of abuse or violence, it may not be wise to try to reconcile. Although the adage “never say never” may apply, it’s also true that divorce can be a fresh start in these cases. If none of the above circumstances is true and reconciliation is possible, you can still make a fresh start and enjoy a new, healthy and happy relationship with your spouse.

Step 5 – Positive Action Is Key – If both you and your spouse agree that you can try to stop a marriage breakup from happening and work together to rebuild the relationship, take positive action. Work together on issues that have come to light and if necessary, seek counseling.

Again, this is going to take time and effort. A relationship damaged enough to file for divorce is going to take time to repair, too. You’ll have ups and downs as you do so, but you can keep positive and keep working toward a healthy and fulfilling relationship for both of you.

If your spouse doesn’t want to stop the divorce, you can still focus positive action on yourself. It’s time to build your own better future. Stay positive, and work on building self-esteem. Take strength from lessons learned and find a new independence. In time, a new and healthy relationship may come along that will be happier and more fulfilling than anything previously experienced.

Learn More Techniques To Prevent A Breakup

A lot of the time, you can stop a marriage breakup and create a better relationship. Even if that’s not possible, though, examining just how and why things went wrong is going to help you build a better life and possibly a new and loving relationship in the future.

Just because you and your spouse are going through a period of time were you seem to do nothing but fight that really doesn’t mean that you have marriage trouble. If you are at all concerned it may be a good indication that you should have a discussion with your spouse.

If you are at all worried that you and your spouse are having trouble or already having trouble you’ll find that there are some very clear signs that can help determine if the marriage is in trouble. The signs include the following:

End Marriage Trouble And Recovery Your Love

• If there is a lack of desire to be spending time together this can indicate that there may be some marriage trouble. When both you and your spouse have a lot of activities that fill up your everyday life to the point that you are not spending time together or you do not want to spend time together this is an issue that needs to be addressed.
• If there’s any sense of resentment between you and your spouse this can also be a cause for concern. Resentment is a feeling that is never healthy in a marriage. If either you or your spouse is feeling resentful in your marriage to the point of where you don’t seem to even like each other you have defiantly have married trouble.
• A lack of intimacy is another very clear sign you should be concerned about your marriage. While not being intimate on a daily basis doesn’t doesn’t mean that the marriage is in trouble, a total lack of intimacy is often a clear signal that the marriage is failing. There’s really no marriage, no matter how long you’ve been married for, that doesn’t benefit from shared and intimate moments.
• If you find that you and your spouse arguing often or more often than usual or you’re not even talking to each other, this is a sign that your marriage is in trouble. All healthy marriages should have very strong sense that both spouses can have open and safe communication.

If you and your spouse choose to look into your marriage and come to the conclusion that your marriage may need some help there are ways to help save it. There are definite steps that you can take to help repair problems in your marriage.

Choosing to talk to each other is a very simple and easy way to try and repair any damage that may have been done in your marriage. Both you and your spouse need to be very open with each other and both be able to discuss any problems you feel you are having. The person you married to deserve to know how you really feel and you deserve the same from the person that you’re married to.

When you and your spouse talk, remember that both of you need to be respectful of each others feelings. You both need to avoid arguing with each other or being upset with each other. It is really important that to try to work together and come to a resolution for any problems that you’re having.

Learn Strategies For Effective Communication

If you’re finding that attempts to communicate are turning out to be very successful, than you need to make sure that both you and your spouse are taking more time to spend time together to work on your marriage. Even if both your lives and very busy all couples need to spend time together.

Even if both you and your spouse just decide to spend one night alone together every couple weeks or so it’s really better than nothing. In the time that you choose to spend alone together you both can really regain a better sense of appreciation for your marriage.

If you find that your relationship definitely has signs of marriage trouble, don’t worry, it doesn’t always mean that it is ending. If you and your spouse take action and agree to work together on your problems you’ll find that you will have a healthy relationship and you will be able to move past the marriage problems and enjoy each others company once again.